Life lessons and heartbreak

Has it been almost 20 days since my last post already? I have just finished my externship in D.C. and a short visit to a clinic in Fairfax (possible job opportunity???). The externship was okay, not anything exceptionally exciting. I think it was the rest of my time back in my college town that was the most eye opening.

Have you ever gone back to visit your childhood home or alma mater or previous job to find that everything has changed? I don't think that's actually an accurate assessment. I think everything usually stays the same and it's you who has changed. That is most definitely what happened to me. I stayed with my best friend, Amanda, in College Park, MD (home of the great UMD Terrapins) and realized that I have changed so much in the past three years. I've matured, as scary as that is to think.

So back to my original thought. If I didn't get a lot out of my externship what did I get out of my time in Marland and D.C.? Well, a lot . . . I think.

1. Internships and years on the job don't make you a great veterinarian.

Okay, so that's a bold statement. But there was something I noticed about the vets in D.C. (most of whom had done internships): none of them were particularly great at communicating with their clients. I saw so many of them confuse the owners and lose opportunities to help out the patients because of a lack of communication skills. I knew that if they had just allowed me to talk I could have explained things and convinced the owner (without being too pushy) that Fluffy's broken tooth is painful, Sparky can lose some weight, or their are other options to declawing for Fifi. Then I saw the vets in Fairfax, most of whom did not do internships, who were great vets and had some amazing skills with their clients. It reassured me that I can do just fine without doing an internship. I just have to have faith in my great people skills and my own knowledge.

2. All but one will break your heart.

This is another bold, somewhat cryptic statement. What I mean to say is that all the men you date in your life will break your heart until you find the one that doesn't, the one you are supposed to be with. My heart was broken twice over the past three weeks. Once by a man who I thought was going to be the right one for me, but then decided he would rather stay with his girlfriend who he admits doesn't make him happy and who he is not attracted to. He told me he was too scared to break up with her right now. So really, he would rather be with someone who makes him unhappy than be with me. That's a real confidence booster.

Then there was Mitch. I have had a thing for this guy since my freshman year of college. For the past 7 years I have pined away for him, thinking I saw something in him that no one else did. I was just waiting until he finally manned up, matured a little bit and realized that I was everything he was looking for. We've been friends for years and I knew he was going to realize all this when I saw him again. He pursued me while I was in town, called me, begged me to come over to watch movies and cuddle. He showed every sign of being interested. Then, all of a sudden, he started avoiding me. When I finally talked to him he acted as if nothing happened and just shrugged his shoulders. I should preface this by saying this happened once before in college. I thought he had grown up a bit since then. He hadn't. Mitch broke my heart into a thousand little pieces and then just walked away like it was no big deal.

My friend Mary tells me I'm building karmic points with the universe. I've had so much heartbreak in my past that the universe owes me big time and it will eventually deliver an amazing person to love.

3. True friends are hard to come by but will always be there for you.

That's what Mary and Amanda showed me while I was in town. I hadn't seen Amanda in 2 years, Mary I hadn't seen in 3. I have talked to them a little bit while I've been in school but not too much. It didn't matter. It was as if no time had passed. They are both desperately trying to get me to move back to the metro area. I think I might seriously look into it. My family isn't there but at least I know I will have some good friends nearby that I could count on.

So that's it, my diatribe for the moment. Life lessons learned while on the road. I will be getting back to school this weekend after stopping at my parent's to pick up my cats (one of whom is now "fat as a house" now according to my mother . . . great). Back to school, back to the grind, and time to get ready for boards, a job search, and graduation. Scary.

Thinking out loud

So like I said yesterday, I've had a lot of time to think during my recent driving adventure. I've also had time to listen to a book on tape about achieving goals (I know, I'm one of those people). The big question of the moment is: What do I want to do after vet school? I think for some people it's an easy answer, get a job, do an internship, join the army, etc. But when I was planning my life I only got as far as wanting to get into vet school. I never really thought about what I would do when I actually got there.

So here are my options as I see them:

1. Go to LA to do an internship and not have to worry about the match.

2. Do an internship and apply through the match to a couple of places.

3. Find a job.

Let's assume I decide to do an internship (and forget about where at this point). I would have to ask myself: Why is this what I want to do? Do I want to do a residency? I think at this point I've decided I'm not interested in pursuing a specialty. Even figuring this out was a big revelation. If I am honest with myself and look at where I truly want to be I come to the conclusion that I want to work as a general practitioner and a large, urban/suburban, multi-doctor practice.

Okay. So no residency. Then do I think I need more supervision once I graduate? Am I not confident in my skills and competency as a doctor? Again, being honest with myself, I feel that I am a relatively confident vet student and I am not actually afraid of going into practice. That being said, I do feel mentorship would be helpful.

Alright, that brings up a new question. Do I have to do an internship to get the benefit of a mentor? I don't think so. I believe that if I put the right amount of effort into a job search I can find a practice that will offer me as much guidance as an internship (with the benefit of a higher salary). I would have to work hard to find the right place but I really do think it is possible, I just have to be patient and not take the first thing that comes across my plate.

Back to the original question though. Why do I want to do an internship. I dug down deep inside and tried to answer that question as truthfully as possible. The reason I came to was that I feel as if it is expected of me to continue my education. But expected by whom? Not my parents. My professors? Perhaps some of them have given me the impression that wouldn't want to see someone like myself "wasted" as a general practitioner. But I don't ascribe to that elitist attitude among specialists. Is it me that expects it? Is it just what I think I'm supposed to do?

If I am completely honest with myself that is not a good enough reason to do anything. The expectations of others should not guide what I do with my life.

I enjoy client interaction. I'm excited to get out there and start practicing. I want to expand my business skills. I want to lead a comfortable life without having to sacrifice all my time and energy.

This only leads to one conclusion: I want to find a job.

It feels as if a burden has been lifted off my shoulders. Maybe now I can stop stressing about what I want and get started achieving it. That's an exciting thought.

I never thought I'd be so happy to be back

I am finally back home. It only took me about week to get here.

I had to spend some time with my parents and cats because the little devil, Murray, decided to eat my mom's bathrobe and needed surgery again. Yup, that's right, that would be foreign body removal #3 now. He is a horrible cat. He's lucky he's so damn cute. My dad, who is allergic, is totally in love with my cats now. He wants no expense spared when it comes to their health. This is a complete change from before they were taking care of them. I'm glad he understands why I love them so much.

I'm glad to be back to my apartment. As much as I love living out of suitcases, it's nice to have a real bed, my own washer and dryer and a kitchen again. My car is happy to. The little road warrior can rest for a week or so before I take her on any more major trips. So how many miles have I gone over the past month?

Total miles driven: 2767
Total miles flown: 2648

Total miles traveled: 5415

That's a lot of miles. And the summer ain't over yet!

Soon enough I'll be having to make some big decisions and I really don't want to. Being offered this internship has kind of thrown me for a loop. If it wasn't at such a respectable place that I know will open doors for me it wouldn't be as big of a deal. But now I really have to think hard about whether or not I want to get a job or do an internship. And if I do want to do an internship do I really want to do it there? I've been avoiding thinking about this by telling myself I still have 2 more externships to do.

I think I'm just going to continue to live in my own little world of avoidance for a few days more. Right now the only thing I'm concerned with is finishing my laundry and finding some food . . .

Life after La La Land

Someone once said, "Los Angeles is 72 suburbs in search of a city." That couldn't be more true.

L.A. is a horrible city filled with poverty, tourist attractions, pollution, and people with so much wealth it's sickening. Can you tell how much I liked it?

If I had only gone to visit and see the city I would probably say that I will never go back. But the truth is, I loved my externship. It's hard to describe but I seemed to fit in so perfectly at the practice. From the moment I started I had already made friends and found teachers. One of the cardiology residents took me under his wing for the two weeks I was there and taught me so much. Of course that was between all his sarcastic comments, anti-semitic jokes, and chauvinism (which was all a complete act, he really was a sweetheart!).

I got to see some amazing cases. There was a dog with severe immune-mediated thrombocytopenia, some blocked cats, a ridiculous number of dogs with mitral valve disease, a kitten with pulmonary stenosis, and even a cat with multiple myeloma. All of the clinicians, residents and interns tried to teach me as much as they could about each case. I even got comfortable with some of the cardiac drugs and how we use them (I am terrible at cardiology). It really was an all around amazing experience.

Probably the best thing came at the end though. One of the clinicians sat down with me to talk about my experience. I told her that I had a great time and really enjoyed the practice. She then told me that they were very impressed with me and would like to see me back for an internship. That blew me away. I am used to my teachers liking me but to hear that I was impressive to "real" people out in the "real" world was something else.

So what am I going to do? I'm not entirely sure. I still have the rest of the summer and two more externships until I have to start seriously thinking about post-graduation stuff. I'm sure I'll be thinking this out on my blog at a later date. Right now I'm exhausted. I flew in to Dallas yesterday and left for my parent's place today to help take care of Murry (the jackass had to have surgery again today . . . I'll explain later). I made it to Eutaw, Alabama. Yeah, long day of driving. Now it's off to bed for me . . . *yawn* . . .