Life lessons and heartbreak

Has it been almost 20 days since my last post already? I have just finished my externship in D.C. and a short visit to a clinic in Fairfax (possible job opportunity???). The externship was okay, not anything exceptionally exciting. I think it was the rest of my time back in my college town that was the most eye opening.

Have you ever gone back to visit your childhood home or alma mater or previous job to find that everything has changed? I don't think that's actually an accurate assessment. I think everything usually stays the same and it's you who has changed. That is most definitely what happened to me. I stayed with my best friend, Amanda, in College Park, MD (home of the great UMD Terrapins) and realized that I have changed so much in the past three years. I've matured, as scary as that is to think.

So back to my original thought. If I didn't get a lot out of my externship what did I get out of my time in Marland and D.C.? Well, a lot . . . I think.

1. Internships and years on the job don't make you a great veterinarian.

Okay, so that's a bold statement. But there was something I noticed about the vets in D.C. (most of whom had done internships): none of them were particularly great at communicating with their clients. I saw so many of them confuse the owners and lose opportunities to help out the patients because of a lack of communication skills. I knew that if they had just allowed me to talk I could have explained things and convinced the owner (without being too pushy) that Fluffy's broken tooth is painful, Sparky can lose some weight, or their are other options to declawing for Fifi. Then I saw the vets in Fairfax, most of whom did not do internships, who were great vets and had some amazing skills with their clients. It reassured me that I can do just fine without doing an internship. I just have to have faith in my great people skills and my own knowledge.

2. All but one will break your heart.

This is another bold, somewhat cryptic statement. What I mean to say is that all the men you date in your life will break your heart until you find the one that doesn't, the one you are supposed to be with. My heart was broken twice over the past three weeks. Once by a man who I thought was going to be the right one for me, but then decided he would rather stay with his girlfriend who he admits doesn't make him happy and who he is not attracted to. He told me he was too scared to break up with her right now. So really, he would rather be with someone who makes him unhappy than be with me. That's a real confidence booster.

Then there was Mitch. I have had a thing for this guy since my freshman year of college. For the past 7 years I have pined away for him, thinking I saw something in him that no one else did. I was just waiting until he finally manned up, matured a little bit and realized that I was everything he was looking for. We've been friends for years and I knew he was going to realize all this when I saw him again. He pursued me while I was in town, called me, begged me to come over to watch movies and cuddle. He showed every sign of being interested. Then, all of a sudden, he started avoiding me. When I finally talked to him he acted as if nothing happened and just shrugged his shoulders. I should preface this by saying this happened once before in college. I thought he had grown up a bit since then. He hadn't. Mitch broke my heart into a thousand little pieces and then just walked away like it was no big deal.

My friend Mary tells me I'm building karmic points with the universe. I've had so much heartbreak in my past that the universe owes me big time and it will eventually deliver an amazing person to love.

3. True friends are hard to come by but will always be there for you.

That's what Mary and Amanda showed me while I was in town. I hadn't seen Amanda in 2 years, Mary I hadn't seen in 3. I have talked to them a little bit while I've been in school but not too much. It didn't matter. It was as if no time had passed. They are both desperately trying to get me to move back to the metro area. I think I might seriously look into it. My family isn't there but at least I know I will have some good friends nearby that I could count on.

So that's it, my diatribe for the moment. Life lessons learned while on the road. I will be getting back to school this weekend after stopping at my parent's to pick up my cats (one of whom is now "fat as a house" now according to my mother . . . great). Back to school, back to the grind, and time to get ready for boards, a job search, and graduation. Scary.

I wish I couldn't cry

So this weekend blew the big one. Lets begin at the beginning.

Friday.
Party sucked, didn't end up going out. And then Damien acted like a dick, as usual. A bunch of my friends and I were all supposed to go and get tattoos together once my best friend's boyfriend said it was okay (don't ask). Well, he finally gave the go ahead and we were going to go, it was just a matter of when. The thing is, I can't get a tattoo, its a religious thing, I just can't do it. But, I really wanted to go with my friends when they got one because I was always curious about the experience and thought it would be fun. Then I found out at the party that they already decided when they were going and not only didn't tell me but now Damien was invited. I asked if I could still come and Damien asked if I was getting a tattoo. I of course said no because of my religion and he said, "then you can't come. This trip is only for people getting a tattoo. Why are you being such a pussy and not getting a tattoo?" Needless to say, now I feel completely uncomfortable and don't really want to go and feel unwelcome. Damien crossed a line calling me a pussy because my religious beliefs preclude me from getting a tattoo. And the worst part, no one stood up for me. Not one of my friends. That sucked. A lot.

Then my best friend reveals to me that she has a crush on Damien (she has a boyfriend, by the way). wtf. I hate that kid, she knows he's an asshole, but she said he "has his moments." No really, he doesn't. He's just an asshole.

Saturday.
Despite telling everyone that I wanted to tailgate with them before the game even though I didn't have a ticket, I was left out yet again. No one called me and I couldn't get a hold of anyone. I found out right before the game that my friends had tailgated all afternoon and just forgot to call me. Well, that sucked but I'll get over it. So I watched the game with my best friend, Kimmi, and we hung out and had a decent time. Then Kimmi's phone rang. She was giggling and then told whoever it was that she would call them later. I asked if that was her dad (it sounded like she was talking to him) and she said, "no, it was James."

Wait . . . what? Surely it could not be the James that I was dating earlier and who was a moron and dropped me like a hot cake because he didn't want a relationship? (Side note: I found out later that James made it a habit of hitting on every single girl in the vet school and being an all around douche bag.) So I said, "James who?"

"James R."

Yup, same James. Crap. So it turns out they've been friends for a while and they hang out, just the two of them, a lot. He was calling her because he was lonely. wtf. Then she showed me her phone and I saw that he's been texting her with suggestive messages a lot (just like he did with me). She seems to see no problem with this friendship. I feel kind of hurt. Kimmi was one of my best friends, we've been through a lot together and I've been there for her during some pretty rough times. I would have thought that she would have been like 'hey, this guy was an ass to my best friend, maybe he's not such a nice guy.' Apparently not. I feel betrayed. Maybe I'm over-reacting but of all the people I know I would have never expected this from her.

Sunday.
I talk to my mom about everything that went on this weekend and somehow she turns it around and blames it on me. I proceeded to cry for a long time.

I hate this bullshit. I wish either people didn't suck so much or that I didn't care so much.

No one ever said anything about blogging drunk

We partied tonight. In our own special way. My friends and I were supposed to go downtown and dance and have a grand old time but we decided to stop by the house where three of our classmates live before venturing out. A half hour stop turned into a long ordeal. Long story short: we never made it to any club downtown, one of my friends/classmate got into a big fight with a guy in our class, and I wasted the wearing of a perfectly hot shirt to just hang out with some peeps. Not completely true. See, the guy my friend was fighting with, also happens to be the guy in our class that I have a major crush on. Only problem is that if he knew I liked him I think he would run in the opposite direction. I'm just not one of "those" girls. You know, the popular and pretty ones. He's a member of our "fraternity". I use the quotes because its not a real frat, just a clique of people in our class that I don't actually belong to but hang out on the fringe of, kind of like the 3rd to last person that gets picked for the kickball team if that makes any sense.

Who am I kidding? Boys are stupid. Maybe I'll feel different tomorrow when I've slept off the alcohol.

Hey now, we may be smart but we vet students are awesome at consuming our alcohol.

Vacation and other things not related to clinics

Vacation is so much better than anticipated. Right now I'm sitting in the airport in Charlotte waiting for my connecting flight that will take me home to Connecticut. I am desperate to go back to New England. The south is hot, humid, and filled with people that hate Yankees. And let me tell you, I am a Yankee through and through. Born and raised in Connecticut, it doesn't get much more northern than me. I've also been desperate to run as far away from the vet school as possible. I think my soul is slowly being sucked out of me one SOAP at a time.

Don't get me wrong, I love vet school . . .

At least thats what I keep telling myself.

I mean, really, vet school sucks, there's no getting around it. But someday it will all be worth it when we've gone over the rainbow and can be called a doctor.

Enough of me trying to wax poetic.

On our last day of therio we made a video of a client stallion being collected. It was filled with Dr. Plain shouting things like: "He is a very dirty boy!", "His penis is very small!" and Jack
giving commentary with a helmet on on how the stallion was having difficulty with the phantom. You can't do equine repro and not have a sense of humor. Hopefully Amber will edit the video and we can post it or at least have it so we can show it for senior skits. I'll miss Dr. Plain, she was one of the only good things about being in the large animal hospital.

Saturday I got my vacation started off right. Jon just started a new club at the vet school called the Veterinary Sportsman's Club. Its a club for students who want to go out and do things not related to vet school. Our first trip was out to the Gulf of Mexico to go scalloping. It was awesome! We went to 4 different sights and caught our limit of scallops. It was just a fun day of hanging out with new people and old friends and just swimming and having a good time. One of our residents, an anesthesiologists, is from England and had never been snorkeling before. He apparently had also never seen the sun before because by the end of the day he was purple. One of our other attendants, a future clinician, updated me on all the administrative dirt in the hospital. It was such a good time, but I got so sunburnt. Apparently its advisable to wear a shirt when swimming in the Gulf because the sun is so strong. Despite putting sunscreen on 3 times during the day I still got a massive burn on my back. Its 3 days later and it still hurts.

It was nice to get away from the drama and high stress for one day. I hope there will be more chances to do that since I'm sure there will be more drama.

In other news I hung out with my ex-boyfriend Dave last night. We had drinks last week just to catch up. Last night though he was hanging out with a friend who lives in my apartment complex and I got an invite. Later he walked me home, met my cats and then proceeded to make out with me. As nice as it was to be kissed it wasn't right. We tried the whole 'friends with benefits' thing a year and a half ago and it didn't work then. I don't think it will work now. I think he understood.

Boys, who needs 'em right? I don't, I have Murry and Lexy . . .

Why am I not one of the pretty ones?

We went out last night. I started off the night confident and cool, nonchalant, looking hot, and just wanting to have fun with some friends. And then the same thing happened just like every other night. Soon I found all the guys paying attention to all the other girls, I was being pushed out of circles, dancing by myself. My ex-roomate, who was with us, was getting all the attention. There was this one resident, a nice guy, kind of a dork, smart, funny, cute accent. He wanted to be hooked up with her. Her. Of all the people. A girl who thinks she's too good for anyone and the hottest shit on the planet. She wouldn't appreciate someone like him. She's too superficial. Not that I really would be interested in dating a resident or clinician myself but its nice to get some attention once in a while. Just once I'd like everyone to pay attention to me. I want to be that girl just once.

Some of my classmates told me today that I just have to be confident. I am confident. At least, I usually start off the night like that. But when I see all the guys going after the skinny girls with perfect hair and perfect smiles that sort of throws me off a little. I just wanted to tell them that maybe if it hadn't been for perfect plastics like them treating me like crap my whole life maybe I would be more confident. Most of us can't be born with perfect looks and smiles and amazing confidence. Some of us can't play "the game". Some of us are just trying to get by and want just one person to think they're cute every now and then.

She's giving boys what they want, tries to act so nonchalant,
Afraid they'll see that she's lost her direction.
She never stays the same for long,
Assuming that she'll get it wrong.
Perfect only in her imperfection.

She's not a drama queen,
She doesn't want to feel this way, only seventeen but tired

She would change everything for happy ever after.
Caught in the in between, a beautiful disaster,
But she just needs someone to take her home.

Sleep deprivation does a body good.

Last night my cats felt they needed to have my attention about once every hour. Problem was I was already deprived of precious sleep and needed to be up at 4am. We went to a local zoo today to take care of some of the animals. Casey and I got to the vet school super early to get our treatments done. I'm not sure how I actually picked myself up out of bed. It was worth it though. Our day was amazing. First thing we got to do was observe a trunk wash and get to feed and pet their two elephants. Then we knocked out a Siamang (a type of gibbon) to clean its butt off. IBS diarrhea badness. It was so cool, I got to do the anesthesia and listen to its heart and touch it! It was amazing. There were all sorts of animals today. A barn owl, opossum, cotton mouth, long-nosed viper, hedgehog, even a baby miniature zebu. To be able to touch and examine these animals that are so rare and interesting was amazing. It was every animal lovers dream.

Today made me think for just a moment about going into the zoo medicine field. Just for a moment. It would be so cool to be a zoo vet but the competition is ridiculous. There are several people in my class alone who want to go into zoo med and who have real experience with it. If they're lucky one of them will get a residency. I may satisfy my need to see exotics by seeing them in small animal practice. People are always looking for someone to see their birds and bunnies and guinea pigs. This rotation has been an eye-opening experience for me. It really has made me want to branch out from just dogs, cats or horses. And that's going to be an asset for me. I think.

Last night we got the best message ever from the phone room. "Beta fish. Bloated, not eating, floating at the top of the tank." When read this Casey replied: "So its dead?" That person must have loved that fish to call the vet school about it. Or he was crazy. Probably the latter.

James has tried to make contact again via a MySpace message. I guess I'll throw the guy a bone and respond. I still think he's an idiot.

I'm just gonna blame the virus

Ugh. So I'm sick. I guess its better to be sick on the radiology rotation than medicine or surgery. Sucky part is we have an interpretation exam tomorrow. We are going to have to interpret 10 radiographs on our own. I'm a little freaked out. No one knows how to study for it. Hopefully we've learned enough the past two weeks to fudge our way through it.

I'm too tired to study anymore tonight.

James is "not interested in pursuing anyone right now." Whatever, his loss. I told him we could still be friends but my real plan is to snub him at every chance and give him the cold shoulder. Good plan.

Its been one tumor after another the past few days. Although radiology is rather interesting its also pretty depressing. You just find a lot of tumors. Sometimes you find a fixable problem but once you find the problem you never hear from the case again and, therefore, never find out any good news. No one ever comes to radiology to find good things.

My sister is in France for the summer. Apparently she's being crazy there too.

When did I learn how to hold a conversation?

So I finally talked to James about all this confusion he was putting me through. He's interested, but apparently hesitant. So I told him what every self-confident should be able to say. I'm awesome and I'll wait for a bit, but eventually I'll lose interest and its going to be your loss. I was never able to say that before and mean it. My mom actually told me that I handled the situation well. I'm not sure she's ever said that before. Could this be the beginning of an adult relationship with communication and understanding? It would be a first.

We went on a date yesterday out to the local state park. I wanted to see the wild horses and buffalo but we just saw a deer. Then we had lunch and walked around the nearby town. It was nice to get out of town for a bit. Vet school can be so confining sometimes. We both had a really good time. Its nice to have someone around that likes to do off-the-wall things like that.

Today is Memorial Day and I have the day off from clinics. I can't really complain but it would be nice to have patients to take care of like my friends. I know I'll regret that statement at the end of the year. I guess I should enjoy the radiation vacation while I can.